Age anxiety

Lately, I have been experiencing age anxiety and trying to decide if the root of this is that I’m not as young as I used to be or that I’m not as cool as I used to be. I have never had a problem getting older, in fact I love my birthday, I always try and celebrate but I have just started to realize that I have moved on to a different era of my life. I am no longer drinking every night, staying out until 4, getting only three hours sleep each night, leaving my house to go out at midnight. And sometimes I wish I still could do that, but it’s not appropriate at my age or physically possible. Even if I didn’t care what everyone else thinks, it just wouldnt’feel appropriate. Sometimes I just miss my 20’s. I am 32 years old and I just don’t feel as cool as I used to feel. I just noticed that I use the word “just” a lot, I wonder if I do that in conversation as well. Back to my age anxiety, something that has really contributed to this is that a year and a half ago, I moved over 2000 miles away from my family and friends and this is not temporary. I will only be going back for very special occasions and sometimes funerals. I will live my life missing many family trips, weddings, and parties that I wish I could attend. I will probably even miss some funerals. Some people in my family will make me feel guilty for leaving and there will probably come a time when it is held against me but I wasn’t running away, I was just trying to live my life. My new life or my new era is in Santa Monica, CA where the weather is perfect. It gets 325 days of sunshine a year. It is clean and nice. and usually in the 70’s no matter what month it is. I have met a lot of new people and experienced a lot of incredible things, but sometimes it seems so bizarre that I am no longer in TN. So in a way, this is about getting older but it’s also about change. I am not old but I am over thirty and I have to say, it’s your 30’s when you really start to figure out how the world works, but at the same time, you’re nowhere near figuring out how you yourself work. It’s so weird how life just happens! How so many people live their lives a certain way because they get stuck. It really is all about making money. How many people are in bad marriages/relationships, apartments, etc. because they can’t afford to leave? It’s your 30’s when you really start to get scared because you’re not where you imagined that you would be at this age.  At least I don’t want kids.  I couldn’t imagine the added stress I would be under if my clock started ticking.  I am enjoying my new era but sometimes I miss the old era.  I guess we all do. Now, I’m wondering, can I live without coffee?