Top things for kids to do while visiting their stepfather in jail

So, I had a very dysfunctional childhood and as outrageous as it sounds, it is also humorous.  I didn’t realize that my stories were so entertaining until recently when a friend of mine here in LA said, you are wasting these stories, you need to get them out.  She suggested I do a one woman show where I just tell the audience my family stories in my “cute little southern accent”.  Well, I don’t know about the performance part but I do know that talking about my mom is quite a crowd pleaser so I will start with just one of the events of my childhood and then maybe continue to post more later.  I swear that everything I’m about to write is true and if you enjoy it, there is a lot more where this came from.  Also, try to see this story as funny even though if you have children, you may not think it’s appropriate.

When I was about 9 or 10, my mom was married to a convict.  He was actually what you call a trustee in the law enforcement center.  This means that he slept in a type of dorm room instead of a cell.  He was the cook of the jail and was allowed to leave to buy groceries, pick up deliveries, etc.  He was in for several years for allegedly shooting at a cop during a drug bust although he claims to have shot into the air and not at a police officer.  He was a very nice man, who always bought us presents and we had a glorioius time visiting him at the law enforcement center.  My father forbid my mom to take my younger sister and I there but we liked it so she took us anyway.  There was so much to do there!  We could play with the bloodhounds, there were two of them (I can’t remember their names)  and it was fun to see them sniff a cloth and then we would run with them as they went to  find their targets.  There was also another dog Dixie, the drug sniffing dog, I always felt sorry for her because she stayed mostly in a cage with a marijuana plant just outside of her reach and a fan constanly blowing the aroma of the plant into her cage.  Perhaps one of our favorite things to do was work out in the inmates gym.  Now these inmates did not have to wear orange jumpsuits, they wore regular clothes and some of them were even allowed to go to work in the day and come back to the jail at night.  So these weren’t really hardened criminals, most of them were in there on drug charges. 

These inmates were also in charge of cleaning the confiscated vehicles.  If you were lucky enough to be there while they were doing this, you might leave with some fuzzy dice or cassette tapes.  We came back with bags of goodies  formerly belonging to drug dealers.  But perhaps the best part of these Sunday visits was the fantastic meal we got.  He was an awesome cook and he always made a great dinner for us, especially since Mom didn’t cook a lot.

Out of all the men that Mom has been married to, I think I liked him the best.  I didn’t actually know they were married until years after the marriage was annulled.  At the time, I thought they were just “dating” but it turned out they were just friends and she had married him so that he could get out on the weekends to visit his family.  So every weekend he got to leave but he had to be back on Sunday afternoon and that is when we would visit.  To my sister and I, those were good times.  It was a fun, family thing to do every week.

Why Brooke Why?

As I was surfing through the channels this evening after work, I saw footage of some of the celebrities arriving in Rome to attend the “TomKat” wedding. Brooke Shields and her husband are among the attendess. I cannot be the only Tom Cruise hater to wonder why she would possibly even consider going to the wedding of a man that publicly criticized her for taking antidepressants. I know that he apologized but still, Broooke, have a little dignity. You can’t possibly want to be friends with him. Unless maybe, his publicist paid for your trip and gave you a little spending money to pretend like you’re thrilled to be there. It will make the wedding a little more newsworthy after all. I’ve always been such a fan of yours but now I’m having a hard time respecting you. Give me a break!!

Click here to read more Tom Cruise bashing, my dear friend has a blog in which he has his own category.

what comes around goes around or vice versa

I am a firm believer in karma.  The gods have demonstrated that this exists many times throughout my life.  The first time I really noticed it, I was about 19.  I had joined Columbia House CD club under my name, then my initials, then my middle name, etc.  I got literally around a hundred cds for like 10 dollars or something.   Then, less than 1 year later, my car was broken into and most of them were stolen along with my purse and some other things. I realized that I had “stolen” those cds so later they were stolen from me.  This really made me think about every action that I took.  Recently I purchased a pair of sunglasses among other things from Ross’s.  It was a particularly busy day and the line was extremely long.  I paid for my purchases and on the way to the car examined my receipt as I always do.  I realized that the sunglasses were not on there.  I was in a rush and did not want to stand in that long line for a $7 pair of sunglasses. I got in my car and instantly called my good friend the Horse (she’s not really a horse, nor does she look like one.  She wished she was one as a child though).  I explained the situation and asked “what kind of karma do you think I’m facing here?”  She analyzed the situation and said, well, you’ll probably just lose them.  I can deal with that.  However, the karmic payoff was much different.  I wore the glasses for the first time and my eyeballs sweat like mad.  My makeup was smudging off from eye socket sweat.  Very unusual since I rarely sweat anyway but needless to say I never wear the glasses anymore.  Today on the way to work something else happened.  This time good.  I generally walk to work and when I first started walking I had a pedometer that I clipped onto my pants to monitor my distance, speed, etc.  After about 2 days of wearing it, It snapped off during my walk and I found it busted on the sidewalk the next day.  I was so disappointed about this.  That was several months ago.  Today, on my way to work, right in front of me on the sidewalk, I found a brand new peodometer so much nicer than the one I had before and it works perfectly.  It always comes back to you, this is why I try to always do good and think about it really hard first before I do something bad.

The devil sits across from me

I work in an office environment and have no problems with those surrounding me everyday.  I really like every one of them but I have a small issue with this one I will just refer to here as Satan.  He is a very intelligent, friendly, and talented guy but he has a fatal flaw if you ask me.  He keeps a drawer full of chocolate, gum, and candy at all times.  Sometimes, he even brings in chips and salsa, banana pudding, or brownies that his fiance made. He has been employed here longer than I have so I’m not sure how this originated but I really think it’s a ploy to make friends with everybody in the office.  We have over 100 people spread out in 2 buildings and 3 floors but eveyone has been through here.  They come from all departments to get their afternoon fix.  Everyone knows his name and where he sits!!  Now for some, this is a nice treat to be able to traipse over and grab a snickers; but for me it’s about 3 steps away and is too easy to do several times a day.  Now, to give you a more clear perspective on how nice the devil can be, I once stated “only fruit and nuts for me from now on”, so the next day he came in with a 2 pound bag of roasted peanuts.  I ate them for a week or so but when they’re sitting next to a Butterfinger they are not always the most appealing.  So you see, I fight the devil everyday and usually it’s the M&M’s that get me.