sometimes I’m 4 years old

I just took a trip to the South for the Thanksgiving holiday and also for my Dad’s wedding.  Before I left, I experienced some major anxiety that I attributed to everything except my dad’s wedding.  I didn’t realize how this would affect me emotionally until the date grew closer.  You see, my parents have been divorced for 27 years and my dad has always said that he would never remarry.  He has been in a few serious relationships throughout the years some of them even live-together situations but these though sometimes long term were always temporary.  For me this meant  the only permanent women in his life besides his mother were my sister and I and then later on my niece.  So not having to really share him was really nice on some unconscious level.  Not that I wanted him to be lonely forever but a part of me was afraid of how things will change.  I am over 30 but sometimes when I’m with him I feel like a kid again.  Like I’m 4 years old. 

When I was growing up, things at home with my mother were often times very difficult.  At a very young age, I had multiple adult responsibilities.  Cleaning house, doing laundry, making lunch for my sister and I to take to school, getting my sister and I up and ready for school, getting Mom up to get ready for work and then drive us to school, screening calls from bill collectors etc., etc. 

Without my Dad, there’s no telling what kind of people we would have turned into.  He was the model divorced father.  He always paid his child support on time and sometimes a month in advance if mom could talk him into it.  He never blew us off for his weekend visits.  He showed up on time every time.  He always had something fun planned for us to do.  We ate  good homecooked dinners while we there instead of cereal or happy meals.  He was stable.  He had a good job and lived in the same house and still does whereas with my mom, we moved at least once a year.  The best part about visiting him was that I could be a kid.  I didn’t have to worry about doing laundry or waking anyone up.  And any household chores that I did I was paid well for.  There was no pressure about life, it was just to relax, have fun, and let the adults worry about it.  How childhood should be! We probably should have lived with him but our mom didn’t want us to and she often guilted us into not telling him some of the things going on at our house.  She was in some volatile relationships so there were things happening that he didn’t know about and sometimes it was scary at home but when we went to his house it was safe and secure.  Maybe this is why I regress back to my childhood when I’m around him and perhaps I was afraid of losing that feeling of security with Dad’s marriage. 

I was totally appalled by my feelings and behavior.  I couldn’t believe that I was so upset when I should have been happy for him.  If he should marry anyone, it should be her.  After a lot of pouting, sulking, and crying, I expressed my feelings to him, I said “I feel like I’m losing you”.  He said “I’m not interested in being anyone else’s father but yours and your sister’s so you are not losing me, nothing is changing”.  His new wife has three daughters but they have their own father.  And speaking of his wife, she’s perfect for him, her daughters are a little spoiled and uppity but they are young still and I hope they can grow out of it.  I really like my new stepmother and it’s really not like this is a new thing.  They have been together for 4 years and living together for 2 so really not a lot will change.  So the issue was totally with me.  And I’m over it now, I met with all of her family and besides my new step-sisters, I loved them, they were great!  The wedding was a blast and I have made peace with the fact that he is married and like I said, it’s not like she’s a horrible person.  I think I’m gonna be OK but I can’t promise that I won’t act like a 4-year-old again.